Longings
Twenty four years ago on January 14, 1995, Carole and I attended a ski retreat in Boone, NC with the singles' group from our church. It rained something terrible all weekend! The snow melted and we were all stuck playing card games in the lobby of the hotel and doing a little sightseeing. I played several games of UNO with Carole and quickly realized that she could throw down a Draw 4 card with no mercy! Unfortunately, I was the recipient of most of them!
Thank God for Draw 4 cards - I was hooked for sure.
We were teachers so that meant we had the MLK, Jr. holiday off from work so I decided to invite her to lunch. She said yes.
I was so nervous I could barely eat. Not sure I could even work up a spit! I managed to eat a little something, but I was smitten. (Does anyone even use that word anymore? Oh, who cares!) She was beautiful - blue jeans, a black top, and a red coat. I think she knew I was a Georgia fan. We talked for hours.
Within two weeks I knew that she was the only one that I wanted to spend time with and I told her as much. Thankfully, she said yes again.
On February 19, 1995, we watched Shadowlands - "a biographical drama about the relationship between C.S. Lewis and American poet Joy Davidman, her death from cancer, and how this challenged Lewis' Christian faith." en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shadowlands_(1993_film)
It was the first time we held hands. It's ironic to think that the first movie we saw was about grief.
Now, I'm the one living it.
On Mothers' Day, 1995, I asked her to marry me. She said yes, again.
On October 28, 1995, just ten months from meeting, we said, "I do."
On the night of October 6, 2018, we said, "I love you" for the last time as she would not wake up on October 7.
Why do I share all of this with you? Because it's my love story highlighting the million little moments that made for an incredible marriage with the love of my life, my soul mate.
Have you ever longed for something? Craved, ached, hungered for it? The dictionary says to long for something is to have a yearning desire. Its synonyms are craving, ache, burning, hunger, and thirst.
I long for Carole everyday! Three months, two weeks and one day ago (as of this writing), my wife died. DIED
It took me two months before I would even say that word. It denotes finality. For that reason, I just couldn't say it, until recently.
The morning of Carole's death, I cried out to Jesus begging Him to come back right then because I longed to be with her so badly. The pain I felt was searing, intense, breathless, utter agony. It felt like something had been ripped violently from my physical body. My mind was reeling. My heart was shattered into an infinite number of pieces. Even these words don't come close to describing what I felt that day and many, many, many more days afterward.
Genesis 2:24 says, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh."
For the first time in nearly 23 years, I was not one flesh anymore. I felt incomplete and desperately wanted Jesus to come back so that I could be reunited with my love. I wanted to be one again.
I remarked to my friend and pastor that Carole and I believed Genesis 2:24 when we got married. We took it on faith and acted on the fact that we were one. When October 7th happened, that verse took on an entirely different meaning as I FELT what it was like to not be one anymore - spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically.
If you're a Christian, you're probably familiar with Ephesians 5:22-32 where the Apostle Paul describes how marriage is like Christ and the church. Verse 31 references Genesis 2:24. But in verse 32 Paul says, "This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church."
Marriage is the earthly representation of our eternal relationship with Jesus Christ. As Christians we are His bride and He is the Bridegroom. The love I have for Carole is deep, high, wide, and long. When I think about God's love for Carole, me, you, everybody...His love for us is infinitely more. Jesus longs to be with us more than we can comprehend.
What I've come to realize in a completely different way is that my longing is really for Christ. Don't misunderstand me. I miss Carole deeply and long to be with her again, but she is with our Lord and Savior. She's not longing anymore!
Just as I long to be connected to Carole again, my spirit longs to be connected to Christ and be in a relationship with Him in a deeper way than I can put into words. I thirst and hunger for Him.
Praise God that Jesus promised us His Holy Spirit to live inside of us upon receiving His act of love and forgiveness for us on the Cross. Because I have received Jesus' forgiveness for my sins and trusted in Him, I am connected to Him through the power of the Holy Spirit. I am one in Christ. I am whole.
What's more wonderful is that Jesus loves and longs to be with me, a sinner saved by His grace! It is a mystery for sure.
The Good News is that Jesus longs for us to come to Him to receive His offer of forgiveness, feel His love and presence, and be empowered by the Holy Spirit to walk in fullness of life.
He longs for us as a bridegroom longs to be with his bride. He loves us. That is truly Good News!
Thank God for Draw 4 cards - I was hooked for sure.
We were teachers so that meant we had the MLK, Jr. holiday off from work so I decided to invite her to lunch. She said yes.
I was so nervous I could barely eat. Not sure I could even work up a spit! I managed to eat a little something, but I was smitten. (Does anyone even use that word anymore? Oh, who cares!) She was beautiful - blue jeans, a black top, and a red coat. I think she knew I was a Georgia fan. We talked for hours.
Within two weeks I knew that she was the only one that I wanted to spend time with and I told her as much. Thankfully, she said yes again.
On February 19, 1995, we watched Shadowlands - "a biographical drama about the relationship between C.S. Lewis and American poet Joy Davidman, her death from cancer, and how this challenged Lewis' Christian faith." en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shadowlands_(1993_film)
It was the first time we held hands. It's ironic to think that the first movie we saw was about grief.
Now, I'm the one living it.
On Mothers' Day, 1995, I asked her to marry me. She said yes, again.
On October 28, 1995, just ten months from meeting, we said, "I do."
On the night of October 6, 2018, we said, "I love you" for the last time as she would not wake up on October 7.
Why do I share all of this with you? Because it's my love story highlighting the million little moments that made for an incredible marriage with the love of my life, my soul mate.
Have you ever longed for something? Craved, ached, hungered for it? The dictionary says to long for something is to have a yearning desire. Its synonyms are craving, ache, burning, hunger, and thirst.
I long for Carole everyday! Three months, two weeks and one day ago (as of this writing), my wife died. DIED
It took me two months before I would even say that word. It denotes finality. For that reason, I just couldn't say it, until recently.
The morning of Carole's death, I cried out to Jesus begging Him to come back right then because I longed to be with her so badly. The pain I felt was searing, intense, breathless, utter agony. It felt like something had been ripped violently from my physical body. My mind was reeling. My heart was shattered into an infinite number of pieces. Even these words don't come close to describing what I felt that day and many, many, many more days afterward.
Genesis 2:24 says, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh."
For the first time in nearly 23 years, I was not one flesh anymore. I felt incomplete and desperately wanted Jesus to come back so that I could be reunited with my love. I wanted to be one again.
I remarked to my friend and pastor that Carole and I believed Genesis 2:24 when we got married. We took it on faith and acted on the fact that we were one. When October 7th happened, that verse took on an entirely different meaning as I FELT what it was like to not be one anymore - spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically.
If you're a Christian, you're probably familiar with Ephesians 5:22-32 where the Apostle Paul describes how marriage is like Christ and the church. Verse 31 references Genesis 2:24. But in verse 32 Paul says, "This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church."
Marriage is the earthly representation of our eternal relationship with Jesus Christ. As Christians we are His bride and He is the Bridegroom. The love I have for Carole is deep, high, wide, and long. When I think about God's love for Carole, me, you, everybody...His love for us is infinitely more. Jesus longs to be with us more than we can comprehend.
What I've come to realize in a completely different way is that my longing is really for Christ. Don't misunderstand me. I miss Carole deeply and long to be with her again, but she is with our Lord and Savior. She's not longing anymore!
Just as I long to be connected to Carole again, my spirit longs to be connected to Christ and be in a relationship with Him in a deeper way than I can put into words. I thirst and hunger for Him.
Praise God that Jesus promised us His Holy Spirit to live inside of us upon receiving His act of love and forgiveness for us on the Cross. Because I have received Jesus' forgiveness for my sins and trusted in Him, I am connected to Him through the power of the Holy Spirit. I am one in Christ. I am whole.
What's more wonderful is that Jesus loves and longs to be with me, a sinner saved by His grace! It is a mystery for sure.
The Good News is that Jesus longs for us to come to Him to receive His offer of forgiveness, feel His love and presence, and be empowered by the Holy Spirit to walk in fullness of life.
He longs for us as a bridegroom longs to be with his bride. He loves us. That is truly Good News!
Thank you for sharing your heart with me. I was truly blessed by your story. What a profound word!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words.
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